The Jane Doe Novel Experiment

Creating Two New Novels. Writing One Chapter Weekly. Podcasting As I Go. Welcome to The Experiment.

When One Partner is Monogamous – Part 1


This situation is more common than one might think and comes about in a number of ways. For the sake of this series, I will focus on married couples who open their relationship, but one partner remains monogamous while being supportive of the other partner dating.

 Don’t Make The Mono Partner Feel Second Best:

3) Dress up for your monogamous partner, too. – Think about it. You’re going on a new date. You’re excited. You spend time and energy getting dressed and made up to perfection. How does seeing this affect your monogamous partner? Does he or she get to have you all sparkling and shining when he/she takes you out, or does the familiarity cause you not to think too much about it and grab sweat pants? Over time, the stark comparison of how you prepare for dates with your new partners vs how you prepare for dates with your mate can leave the monogamous partner feeling unimportant.

2) Talk about your monogamous partner, too. – It’s natural to come home from a date and spill details. (If that’s the comfort level of your relationship) However, it can be tedious to always hear about how “great” the new partner is. The monogamous partner can begin to wonder if you talk about him/her at all when you’re out with your date. If the answer is yes, let them know. “B took me to a club and I told him how great a dancer you are. I love it when we’re home dancing in the middle of the living room, just me and you.” It’ll be a nice feeling for your mate to know that he/she is special enough to be talked about as well.

1) Shut up about your other partner(s). – You know your mate best and if everything is 100% great all of the time, great…but when is anything ever 100%? Sometimes, your mate may need a day without hearing about your other partners. These may not even be days or hours, but moments, when you should not bring up your partner out of courtesy for your monogamous mate’s feelings. I’ll state an obvious moment, but there may be more delicate ones as well:

“Looks like we still have forty minutes. I think I know a way to kill the time.”

Lily stood up and a second later Dominic watched the white cotton towel whoosh passed his screen.  The screen now showed Lily’s belly button down to mid-thigh. Dominic followed Lily’s right hand slide from her waist to in between her thighs and pause there for a moment. He smiled. He pushed his chair away from his desk until his lap had cleared it. Lily heard the sound of his zipper coming down. Now, she had succeeded at backpedaling.  She sat back down with her petite breast and above in view.

“You’re not going to let me see?” she playfully whinned. That poor bottom lip of hers. She was going to draw blood from it before the next five weeks were up.

Dominic held her gaze. Sex always shifted the upper hand from Lily to him. She craved it and would all but literally sacrifice her first-born son, Nate, to have Dominic satisfy her. Dominic enjoyed the power exchange. Even if it did only last as long as they were wrapped in each other’s arms. “We should store up this sexual tension until we see each other again,” he taunted her. “After a few weeks, it’ll be explosive.”

Lily closed her eyes, leaned back into the leather chair and slipped three fingers into her moist opening.  “I hope to have sex way before then.”

Ouch. That comment left a wound deeper than a scratch on the back of Dominic’s heart. He knew she was referring to sex with Ava. Not a thought he wanted her to be considering in this moment with him. He quietly re-zipped his black slacks and placed his papers for work inside of his briefcase while simultaneously describing to Lily exactly how he would make love to her if they were together. Lily didn’t notice Dominic hadn’t joined in on what was supposed to be a mutual masturbation session. Her eyes remained closed during his entire narration. She listened to his soothing voice and moved her fingers to produce the movements Dominic was saying he would make if he were inside of her. (Taken from, Enough For Four, or subscribe on iTunes.)

The point of this article can boil down to respecting your mate’s feelings. If your mate spends four hours putting together that DIY desk for you, don’t mention how your partner is a great builder and could have finished it in one. “Thank you” will be accepted a lot better. If your mate hears for a week how excited you are about a date you just had, can you tell your mate the same about one the two of you had? Keep the excitement and appreciation in your marriage as well as your new relationship.


2 comments on “When One Partner is Monogamous – Part 1

  1. polypebble
    July 30, 2012

    I think this is good advice for any couple, not just those with monogamous spouses/partners. From the “other partner’s prospective”, the (NRE) energy that is overflowing between two people in a new relationship can be likened to a two edged sword if you ask me…difficult to watch at times, as well as beautifully rewarding.

    Keeping what I want and my partner’s needs in the forefront of my mind can be a daunting task when Cupid’s arrow hits or lust is thick……

    • Jane Doe
      July 30, 2012

      Thank you, PP. I do hope that if people can apply the counsel, they do so no matter their relationship situation as you stated. I just happen to have a strong spot in my heart for married couples because I believe in making marriages work whenever & however possible.

      You nailed it about keeping the other partner’s perspective in mind when they have to witness NRE. Dominic goes through that in Enough for Four:

      “Dominic felt like an outsider. He knew Lily wasn’t talking in circles on purpose. She was just caught up in the moment, but he did know when to bow out. He wasn’t going to be able to have a real conversation with the two of them while they were high on their new relationship energy. “New relationship energy,” was the term Lily used to explain this part of the dating new people process to him years ago. Most people probably know it as, “the honeymoon stage.” The difference was that it could be hard as hell to swallow the fact that your wife is having a “honeymoon” anything with someone who is not you.

      Dominic braced himself without letting his smile waver. He even laughed along. He knew how to handle feeling left out for a few moments or days when Lily was caught up in a new love interest. He had some practice over the last nine years. Reminder number one: it was just a feeling. Lily never truly put him second….”

      So, yeah…mates/partners/ourselves may be supportive, but consideration is still needed.

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New Chapter Countdown

7th Release Date!August 13th, 2012
Chapter 6 is here! - Enough for Four

New Chapter Countdown

6th Release Date!August 6th, 2012
Chapter 5, Part 2 is here!
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